People tend to have strong feelings about what they like on their burgers. Here’s our tongue-in-cheek run-down of seven favorite burger condiments and what they say about your personality. (Keep in mind, we based this on a level of evidence that falls somewhere between astrology and the Y2K doomsday predictions.)
Did you know the Chinese invented ketchup? Of course you didn’t, because ketchup lovers are lazy and oblivious. I mean, 66 percent of Americans say ketchup is their favorite condiment, and just look at how much energy and thought most Americans put into choosing even the leaders of their democracy. Ketchup might not be the condiment your burger needs, but it’s the condiment you deserve.
We’re going to assume you mean Dijon mustard, or some kind of spicy, seeded, stone-ground artisanal mustard, because you’re a foodie hipster snob. Unlike with any of these other condiments, mustard-lovers consider their love of mustard a personality trait and point of pride. And besides, who could possibly enjoy that comically-yellow fast-food mustard that looks (and tastes) like someone melted a crayon in spit? (See, that’s what you sound like.)
Your friends would call you decadent; your enemies would call you self-indulgent. Your crush probably never calls. If you haven’t heard it yet, it’s time for some tough love: stop doing gross, unnatural things. Mayonnaise is nice, but there are better compliments for a fatty, animal-based product than another fatty, animal-based product. Consider pursuing flavor as well as texture.
You’re temperamental, easily bored, and you don’t care who knows. You’re the kind of person who, if you wind up eating a burger without onion, will complain loudly but eat it anyway. You’re the reason people use headphones in the office, and you’re the reason bars suck on Friday nights.
- Barbeque Sauce
It’s hard to deny the sex appeal of someone who loves barbeque sauce. Maybe it’s all that finger-licking, or maybe it’s our urban fantasy of cowboy culture, but barbeque sauce is the chosen condiment of red-blooded rebels without a cause. Congratualtions on choosing traditional ways of being nontraditional; please wear a helmet on your motorcycle.
You’re a tough weirdo. You’ve had your whole life to grow out of your unusual habits and interests, but instead you’ve just dug your heals in and spent that time looking for other kindred freaks. You do you, horseradish lover, and that’s about as far as I can go without Googling horseradish to find out what it’s made of.
This one is tricky, because there’s actually two kinds of people who like their burgers dry. You’re either someone with low expectations from life who would be perfectly happy wearing a grey jumpsuit every day and taking a pills to fulfill all your nutritional needs, or you’re so passionate about red meat you order a plain burger so rare the blood and grease become their own sauce. Hint: if you don’t know which one you are, you’re the first one.